Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother
Most of us have heard it said, and many of us have said it ourselves. “I had a rough childhood.” It may not be surprising to hear from a woman whose parents served in World War II. But what is different about Sandra’s story is something I have never heard about from anyone else my entire life.
Sandra takes us through her story of childhood in an orphanage, having to decide about taking her mother off life support, her fears about aging, and her role as her family’s matriarch. Here’s what happened when I sat down for an interview with my mother.
Photo permission from Sandra.
What happened in your childhood?
Sandra spent several years in an orphanage run by the Catholic Church. My notions of an orphanage after World War II are largely shaped by the movie “Annie,” which I watched at least 100 times as a child. Ironically, it was the VHS tape my sister and I played on repeat every time we stayed with our grandparents, Sandra’s parents.
The orphanage was what you might imagine in San Antonio, Texas, in the late 1950s, before child social services became fully government-funded foster care in the 1960s. Before that, churches usually cared for orphaned children. Sandra was around four or five years old when she entered the orphanage. Her face looks distant as she recalls those years.
“Nuns took care of the girls’ wing, and the priests took care of the boys. My sister and I were together in the orphanage. I remember one morning going into the chapel and forgetting to take off my sleeping bloomers. I got in trouble, and my punishment was to kneel down in front of the statue of Mary. I had to hold my arms out while the nun stacked books on my arms. If I dropped them, my time started over. I remember my knees hurting so badly from the wood floors.
“Another punishment was if I didn’t eat my boiled okra, I had to go out into the yard and pull weeds. My big sister used to choke down the slimy boiled okra to keep me from having to go out in the hot sun to pull the weeds. I still cannot touch okra.“
Photo permission from Sandra.
“The nuns had these leather woven ropes that hung off of their belts, and they used to hit us with them.
“Once, when my father came to visit, he brought me a Chatty Kathy doll. It was the greatest treasure to me because it was all I had from my parents. When we left the orphanage, they made me leave the doll for some other child to have. To this day, I still feel a sense of loss over that doll. That broke my heart.
“I can’t remember who picked us up from that place, and the next few years of my life were very blurry. My clearest memories pick up again later. I did end up back with my mother. It was very hard for me to reattach myself to my mother after this.”
Sandra, my mother, and I spent the next few hours piecing together the early years of her life, going over the old black-and-white photos, checking the years marked in old ink, and the vague memories my mother holds like a patchwork quilt. My grandmother’s story was also full of incredibly difficult choices, forced decisions, and emotionally and physically traumatic experiences during those early years of my mother’s life.
What was one of the hardest things you have ever done?
“Having to decide to take my mother off life support.
“Even though we were told by the medical professionals that she was not able to survive without life support, there was always that thought, ‘What if?‘
“I had a rough relationship with my mother growing up. Even though a lot of hurt had been put aside and forgiven, I never felt such loss when she passed away.
Photo permission from Sandra.
“After her passing, I went through thoughts of: I should have said more, I should have called more, I should have helped more! The week before my mother fell into a coma due to a heart attack, I was going to call her and get caught up on how she was; however, that call never happened due to distractions that seemed so unimportant after her passing that I would have dreams and wake up crying because I didn’t.
“To this day, I wish I could have talked to her one more time.”
On Being a Mother
What was one of your happiest moments?
“Becoming a mom for the first time. Even though it was a hard time in my life, I was looking forward to having my baby and was determined to be the best mom I could be.
“I feel honestly that I’m good at being a mother and grandmother.
“I have raised my children with all the love I could show them. I wasn’t always right, but I always wanted them to know they were loved no matter what. I’m proud of them for the women they have become. I hope when I leave this world, they will know this mom loved them unconditionally!
“I am happiest when I am with my family, whether we are all together or one-on-one. They are my heart and mean everything to me!“
How are you different from other people?
“I have always felt different than other people, but I do not know why.
“When I was younger, I used to ask myself, ‘Why don’t I think this way or that way?’ When thoughts or ideas were important to most people, they were not to me. I have always been aware that I wanted to be different than others around me.”
How are you different than who you wanted to be?
This question isn’t always easy to answer and often requires uncomfortable introspection. Sandra was fully confident in her answer.
“I think I am who I wanted to be. I have God in my life who guides me (when I’m listening). I think that if not for His Spirit living within me, I wouldn’t be a person people would like, or the mom I aspired to become.”
Any regrets?
“My biggest regret is not being better at finances. It is my biggest weakness.”
What do you think your strengths are?
“I think I’m resilient. I can recover fairly quickly after misfortunes. I have had to overcome difficult childhood experiences. I was determined to rise above and change how I would live differently.”
What’s something you are trying to be better at?
“I’m trying to be a better listener and to be better at understanding where someone is coming from, not jumping to conclusions. Listening to someone’s heart, not just their words. It’s easy to hear words; it’s harder to hear the heart those words are coming from.”
Being a good person to others is deeply meaningful to Sandra. When I asked her if she could hear anything from anyone, her response spoke volumes about her heart.
“If I could hear anything from anyone, it would be that I’m a kind, caring person, a good listener!”
In what ways do you hope young people will be better than you?
“My hope for young people is to be more confident in themselves. To find what they are passionate about and to use that passion to help themselves and one another. To know they are a part of a bigger picture. And to know that hardships are temporary and to persevere!”
On aging
What don’t you want to admit you’re afraid of?
“I am afraid of getting too old to know those around me. I am afraid if I forget who they are, they will not come to see me in that stage.
“I am afraid to be abandoned.“
What is something hard you are doing right now?
“Growing older and seeing my life winding down faster than I would like to think! There are so many things I wanted to do in my life but couldn’t.
“It’s hard seeing my spouse, who was so strong and physical, lose abilities that were so much easier just a few years ago.”
Is there anything you still want to accomplish or experience?
“I would love to be able to travel. There are places I’ve always wanted to visit.“
Like?
“I would visit Scotland because…because Scotland. I would go to England and Ireland for my ancestry. My grandmother was a Baden, which I’m pretty sure was from England.“
Best Advice?
“Keep looking forward, but still be present with those around you. You can’t get back this present time! Look back only to see what can be better; don’t remain there.”
Love & Laughter through the Years…
Here’s a look at Sandra through the years.
Thank you, Mom, for being the first to see me, hear me, teach me, and know me. I’ve always been able to find you in the highest points of my life and the darkest places, when you were my only light.
~ Sue-Bee
You have always believed I could do whatever I decided to do. Thank you for putting yourself out into the wide world first for all of us women on Onward Sister. I love you.
Find out more about my journey on my About Me page or at Dropping Rocks.
You can also find Onward Sister on our Medium publication Onward Sister or Sue at @sue-evergreen. Link to Sandra’s story on Medium.
All images are either personal photographs taken and copyrighted by Sue Evergreen or have been permitted for use.
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